PHILOPHOBIA

PHILOPHOBIA



Feelin': Blurred
Hummin': The Way You Look @ Me by Christian Bautista

Philophobia -- (n.) The Fear of Love

I believe that I have a severe case of Philophobia. I don't even know if it's right to analyze something that doesn't exist, but, something or rather someone, is making me think. If you're wondering what I've been blabbering about, I'm talking about my lovelife, or rather the lack of it.

One of my gutsier gal pals suggested that I am too "reserved" to the point of apathy bordering on a large slogan that says, "I'm not interested."

The next one said I am too "dense," and hardly feels anything despite obvious signs of a prospect.

Another one had suggested I am too "laidback," doing and showing nothing, thus ending up with nothing.

I guess they each have a point. I know I am not a risk-taker. I'd rather play it safe rather than take on the dare and fall flat on my face. I wouldn't reciprocate signs unless I'm almost 100% sure I was reading the "feelers" correctly. Usually, before I could reach that point of certainty, the senders of the "feelers" have grown tired.

So sue me. I'm scared.

I mean, after analyzing past experiences, I discovered a trend, a pattern of responses from me and all of them

I've had a couple of instances wherein I liked a guy but he didn't like me back. A month or two later, he begins to like me, but then, I begin to UNlike him. I mean, I'd want to ask myself, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

But then, myself wouldn't know the answer either.

It's weird that way.

After careful analysis, I have come up with a theory, a plausible reason to this oddness. And that is, PHILOPHOBIA. Maybe it's not just the fear of love, but rather the fear of showing vulnerability and getting hurt. See, when the possibility of something more than just the crush level is presented, I wimp out. I fold and crumple into myself and yes, I hate to admit it, but I run away like a spineless coward.

I know, it's downright MEAN to do that, even though unintentionally. But whenever I'm caught in this situation, I'm filled with irrational panic that I would hide and avoid any contact until y'know, he loses interest or something, rather than face an uncertain future.

So what do I do?

With help from my council of elders (hehehe), I'm trying to make changes. I'm learning to take on a brave front and discover what lies yonder. As the chief adviser had coached me, take baby steps...one at a time and soon enough, she promised I would be walking with confidence.

Well, I hope so...I truly hope so.

I'm just hoping that by that time I finally get things straight, I'd still have someone to walk to...



PS: One of the Council of Elders also commented that instead of following instincts, I was thinking too much... Am I?

Sun, Sun and ARGH, more Sun

Sun, Sun and ARGH, more Sun



Feelin': Sleepy
Hummin': How Did You Know by Gary Valenciano

For starters, well, summer in school is O-V-E-R! Yesss!!! I think I did hmm...okay, in my classes, hopefully. Hehehehe!

I am looking forward to two weeks of bumming around and being able to go out with friends, catch lots of cool movies and other stuff (just STUFF..hehe). I'm also planning to go through FRIENDS seasons 5-7 and crack myself into tiny laughing bits and pieces. Plus, I would like to patronize every WILL & GRACE episode on ETC (7:00 pm weekdays) in addition to my weekly TV list of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, The OC, Nip/Tuck and One Tree Hill.

Summer ain't over 'til it's over.

Don't sweat it out, I'm not even quite clear on that myself. Hehehe! All I know is, I'm going to try and salvage what's left of my summer break.

And I forgot to mention, I MUST go back to updating my stories and poetry blog. Tsk tsk tsk. Some people just might be on the verge of hunting me down. LOL!

Nearly Over

Nearly Over



Feelin': Tired
Hummin': Penny and Me by Hanson

A week to go and Summer classes are finally over. I'm both glad and sad at the same time. I'm glad that I'll have about 2 weeks of free time for myself, yet I'm sad because my classes were very insightful and really succeeded in teaching me things in that short span of time, what other teachers (*cough MALLY cough*) failed to do in a whole semester.

I mean, of all the teachers I had to ENDURE in my 2 years in Ateneo, I have yet to have a better teacher than Sir Dave Lozada. Regarding my advertising class, well even if it wasn't always fun fun fun, I didn't feel compelled because I actually liked doing the advertising projects.

I am trying to take on an optimistic view of the world, somehow, hoping that though there will certainly be rocky roads *yum*, I'll be focusing on the greener pastures.

And no, this doesn't mean I'll quit bitching on teachers or whatever plague that invades my life. But I will try to be grateful for the better things in life.

Trivia: Did you know that Bonifacio hardly goes anywhere without his trusty umbrella? Even if it's not raining, he values it as a fashionable accessory. This man is vain. Hehehe!!!

Still Crushin' On Him

Feelin': ???
Hummin': Both Sides Now by Joni Mitchell

It's been what?

Three years.

Whoa... it's really been three years...

Sometimes, I decide not to like him, (I do a lot of mind control over the heart) but the feeling bounces back at the first sight of him. Yes, even though he's grown that hairy thing that just turns me off.

Rae said I'm still crushin' on him.

Maybe I am.

I wonder what makes him last while others disappear in a minute.

Is it because I feel like I know and LIKED him from what others have said? (Like there are qualities you look for and he seems to fit the categories.)

Is it because there's a certain instinct inside me (which could be just nothing)?

Or is it because I have no one else?

Hmm... Care to share your thoughts?

BAD DAY

BAD DAY



Feelin': Depressed
Hummin':

Warning: This is very long and depressing. If you're on the brink of getting depressed yourself, I would advise you not to read. Gloom can be quite contagious.

Remember that Rubber Band Theory that I discussed some entries back? Well, it just happened again. I would want to shower this entry with profanity just to rid myself of all the resentment boiling inside of me, but of course, I can’t.

What a life, huh?

Yesterday was a good day, actually a good night since I was barraged all morning with a sermon that would’ve deflated the largest ego around. I was cursed, lambasted, insulted from the smallest toe to the tips of my hair. Thank God for a large fraction of self-control and a huge reservoir for pain. It would’ve been totally breaking for others, but I, above everyone else, was used to it.

I have verbally been shredded with the vilest words that could destroy any character that I hardly have any tears left to shred. I’m used to the hurt that drove like a jagged knife tearing my soul apart.

And sometimes, she wonders why some of us have actually developed inferiority complex?

Enough with the drama.

After enduring the one-way screamfest, we finally arrived in Megamall. Thank God for distractions. Then, we shared a peaceful dinner, after which we decided to cap Sunday with a movie, Troy. Brad Pitt, Eric Bana and Orlando Bloom are reasons enough to watch. Hehe. But, there’s even more than just the superb actors. Simply put, the story was well-studied and scrupulously written and there was not a moment wasted in its whole length. Ika nga, sulit ang bayad.

Salvation had come in a large infrastracture called Megamall and it was successful for making everyone forget problems, at least for that night. So I thought the challenge was over, especially after receiving a 90/100 in my History midterms this morning. Tomorrow wasn’t looking so bleak anymore.

Then the rubber band snapped.

It started raining after that History class and with no umbrella, I decided to brave the rain and go to the tricycle terminal. Only half-wet, I was able to get one to which I slipped (yes, I SLIPPED) into because of the silver, shining metal material. Then, I paid and thanked the elderly driver who dropped me off KFC. A mere three minutes later, I was able to flag down a taxi whose driver was fortunately not one of those mean, money-faced bloodsuckers.

I always prepare cab fare ahead of time so I slipped my hand inside my schoolbag to get my wallet. Fishing around the large bad, I had to stuck my face inside but I still couldn’t find it. I started taking things out of my bag only to realize that my wallet was indeed missing.

I requested for the driver to turn the cab around and we circled around the are several times but I couldn’t find the tricycle I rode in. With the numerous tricycles in the Katipunan area, belonging to different organizations, I don’t know if I ever will. Or even if I do find the tricycle, I doubt if I could still get my wallet back—with contents intact.

Fat Chance.

Unlikely.

Frustrating.



Why me?!



Note: FYI, the author had lost countless wallets over the years. Some were stolen, others just lost and each time, it hurt just as badly. So you could somehow picture the impact of another hard blow from Fate by taking her wallet just when she’s saved a hefty sum of money in it.

Back to begging for money again. Sheesh.

Entertainment Central

ETC



Feelin': Glad
Hummin': Invisible by Clay Aiken (Endearing guy.)

Sky Cable finally adds a channel! Yes yes yes!!! And it's a much-awaited one at that--THE ENTERTAINMENT CHANNEL. I've been waiting for months and for this one. I've even called Sky Cable last, last month to inquire if I could order an extra channel, but I was desperate, but disappointed.

Well, you might ask, what's this hype all about? Well, let me list some of the shows you'd be sorely missing if you don't have ETC. Hehehehe!!!

1. Queer Eye for the Straight Guy
Five fabulous gays get a guy and gives him and his lifestyle a total make-over. One does his wardrobe overhaul. Another fixes his hair, skin color, the works. Yet another teaches him about cultured etiquette. The fourth guy educates him in the fine arts of cooking and the last dude, fixes his dwelling spot into a neat little place.

2. The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
It's a funny entertainment talk show hosts with guest performers and interviews on the hottest celebrities today. If you're into gossip like I am, hehehe, well you'll like this show.

3. Nip and Tuck
A medical drama on the oohs, aaahhs and ouchies of cosmetic surgery. Two bestfriends (one of them is Julian "Cole" Macmahon who was Phoebe's love interest in Charmed) have conflicts of personalities and interests. Adult-themed, but nevertheless, fast-paced, informative and intriguing.

4. The O.C. (Orange County)
I haven't watched a single episode but people are all raving about it so I guess it must be good. hehehehe!

5. The Simple Life
Paris Hilton (yes, the heiress of the hotel chain) and Nicole Richie (daughter of a famous rock star) are the stereotypical spoiled little brats with everything being fed to them on a silver spoon. But then, for 30 days, they are sent to this little town in the "middle of nowhere" to try out the simple life. How they will survive living with a family on a farm without their butlers, credit cards or cellphones is exactly what the show's about. Just the thought of it is interesting already. Hehehe.

There are actually more reality-tv shows on dating and stuff. This channel is fast becoming one of my favorites. So if I were you, I'd stay tuned. *wink*

Whole again

Whole Again



Feelin': Happy/Nervous
Hummin': Solitaire by Clay Aiken

My parents arrived from California just the other day and I was very excited to see them. I missed them sooo much, plus, they had tons and tons of gifts and treats and 3 boxes of the famous KRISPY KREME donuts, of course. Hekhekhekhek. (Ang bastos eh noh?) And as always with this oddly strange family, a day never goes by without sharing a bag of laughter. Let me share with you what happened.

See, I know I'm big, and I mean, B-I-G, but apparently, my mom saw me as GIGANTIC. She bought me about fifteen pieces of clothing, pants, shirts, jackets and stuff. And I am grateful. BUT, how could I not complain when, of all the clothes she bought me, only 4 actually fit.

No, they weren't tight. (Tsk tsk tsk. Mocking me?) In fact, I looked like I was wearing a sack. I looked so darn funny my sister kept laughing at me. Then we received a long distance phonecall from my aunt in the States where my parents stayed with for a week. I commented on the huge clothes and she said it was all my Mom's fault because she kept insisting I was BIG. (I wonder how my long-time-no-see aunt actually imagined me to look like. THE HORROR, THE HORROR!)

I told her I didn't know whether to laugh or be offended. My aunt said, "Your Mom actually chose those sizes on purpose. She knew that after you've consumed all the Krispy Kremes, you'd surely fit into the clothes!"

At her response, my sister, mom and I just collapsed in heaps of laughter. It's a good thing I've got skin as thick as a carabao's. Hehehe!!!

I told you, this family is PSYCHO. Hahahahaha!!! But I love them to death. They're just never-a-dull-moment people. Mwah!!!

Well, I have to prepare for History midterms tomorrow, so ta-tah! 'Til next entry.

Weapons of the Weak

Weapons of the Weak



Feelin': Reflective
Hummin': The Band by D12

"...beneath the surface of symbolic and ritual compliance, there is an undercurrent of ideological resistance."

Weapons of the weak according to James Scott, a historian writing about peasant uprisings, are explained as the assaults of the unready opponent to "tease" his greatly sized enemy as a show of his insurgence, yet subtly so, that the enemy does not take up measures to expel the troublesome flea.

Let's take a dormant volcano for an example. From the outside, the volcano would seem fine and stable, but inside, unknown to all, a great surging of molten lava is just waiting to be released. A still incompetent warrior who posseses crude, unsophisticated weapons , but contains a great and noble cause, can be likened to this.

The theory explains the actions of those vandals or "closet rebels." Many of us, when compelled to do something we hate or despise use the weapons of the weak. Yes, grumbling, answering back, gossiping, slander, slamming the door and all minor displays of rebellion are aptly called WEAPONS OF THE WEAK. These actions are the beginnings of a vengeance not yet ready for war. These minor acts are subtle, seemingly harmless, calculated hits that if taken forgranted and allowed time to ferment will become a sudden attack.

Weapons of the weak are tell-tale signs, little pieces of the giant puzzle that doesn't call for much attention, hence are often left undetected. But given a period of time and the right reinforcements, these doings will build up to a large-scale rebellion. It is like a soldier wanting to fight, but he knows that the minute his giant enemy sees him as a possible threat, the giant would wipe him out in an instant. So the soldier expresses his anger and resistance in ways that are pestering, yet not aggravating enough for his enemy to "waste his time" dealing with.

NO, at least, not YET.

One of my classmates asked, isn't it undignified to fight when the enemy is unaware of your plans? Many would say fight with unblemished honor and be ready to die for your cause. But instances may vary. My brilliant History teacher, Sir Dave replied by saying it depends on your philosophy, meaning if you know you're totally defenseless, it's actually stupid, though admirable, to place yourself in imminent danger.

Ultimately, ask the question, what good would it do your cause if you're dead?

If it inspires your fellow men, good and well. But if you're just added to the number of those who died without so much as a flinch from the enemy, then it was an attempt wasted.

Hmmm. Good point.

So, instead of fighting a lost battle, you wait, gathering your forces patiently until your army is big enough to slay the oblivious enemy, who without so much as an inkling that his little opponent has grown up to be a formidable adversary. Yes, these are the tactics of the weak; to hide for the time being and regain much needed strength in order to fight (with the objective to win) for another day.

Is this cowardice, or intelligence?

Fight or Flee

Fight or Flee

Feelin': Unknown.
Hummin': I could not ask for more by Clay Aiken

I might have been falling
But I was too blind to realize
That I was slipping fast
Into a downward spiral.

I cannot stop now
Not after the point of no return
Where beyond lies the choice
Of fighting or fleeing.

Is it ever worth the risk?
To jump from where you stand
Without looking back
Nor any assurance of the fall?

It is at this point I stand
At the edge of the very cliff
Where my final decision lies--
Of loving or leaving.

Honestly, does this merit enough sense to be included in my poetry blog? Please comment.

Splurging

Spulrging



Feelin': Sick (My sis just infected me with her virus! Argh.)
Hummin': Just Once by James Ingram

There's a certain high I get when I'm spending money. Really.

At first, it would be hard to part with your own hard-earned savings as you slowly take it out of your wallet and the scrimping side of you adds to your hesitation by giving out all those warnings. But then, after handing over the bills, getting the receipt and lugging around that special package with a new book, a new shirt, a new bag or a new pair of pants, you get that nice little "high" that keeps you oddly happy all day.

This is one possible addiction I wouldn't want to be hooked up to. Because if you know how rarely I get hooked to stuff and how I fall--hook, line and sinker, whenever I do, you would advice me against it too.

At the rate I'm going, I might just drive myself to poverty.

Author's Notes: FYI, I went to Megamall's major 3-day sale yesterday...so you might understand where I'm coming from. Hehehe!!! I've officially spent more money yesterday than I did in any F4 concert back when I was uncontrollably fanatic. Believe me, it hurts.