Pandora's Box Opened

The Opening of Pandora's Box



Hummin': Say My Name by Destiny's Child

My day in school started out fine, but ended quite badly. I was in a surly mood when I came home and wanted nothing more than to get some much-needed sleep. Unfortunately, my Dad told me that we would go out and take my grandmother to dinner. I was in no mood to even talk to anyone, much less exchange pleasantries, but no, they just wouldn't let me be.

Dinner was awful. The food was great, but the conversation was so bland, almost forced. I really tried my best to smile, but I think I displayed constipation rather than happiness on my face. My mom was badgering me to stop frowning, which I wasn't doing at all! I was just merely wearing my poker face and nothing else.

ALL I WANTED WAS TO BE LEFT ALONE.

But even that wasn't granted. The usuals popped up in the conversation: my year in college, my course, my ambitions, my school, and of course, my weight. I usually take that topic in stride, because I have always been the fat kid and so, was quite used to the constant inquiries, criticisms and "encouragement" of relatives whenever we get together. Even though they still hurt me sometimes, I tend to brush them off.

But tonight, the issue of my weight problem really got to me. I was so bothered by their comments that I could hardly swallow my food. I tuned out everyone until all I could hear was a faint buzzing in the air and played with my cold soup, while thoughts battled noisily inside my head.

I don't know why, but I felt so miserable. I guess when I started working out and reaching for changes in my life, it was only then that I truly and finally admitted that I needed to lose weight. I quit being an escapist and for the first time, I faced my problems head on.

But at the same time, I had inadvertently opened Pandora's box. My doubts, insecurities, discontent and fears were released from the cage of denial that I had kept them in for so long. A mere moment later, I discovered I am no longer happy as the person that I am.

I felt vulnerable, ugly, undesirable and even, disgusting. My hopes came crashing down on me, stomped on and torn apart even more by my growing self-doubts. Talent and inner beauty no longer seemed enough to quiet down my insecurities. Self-acceptance which I valued and was so proud of suddenly meant so little.

I felt like a handicapped fool who would never measure up.

I don't want to feel this way. I really don't... This is the feeling that I had been avoiding for the nineteen years of my life. I never wanted to be like the other girls whose main concerns have always been how they look and how much they weigh. I was happy as the fat girl who had a fun and happy-go-lucky personality...and I miss feeling that.

But my Pandora's box had been opened...and I wonder if I'll be able to close it ever again.