If I Were Gloria

If I Were Gloria



Hummin': You Had Me From Hello by Kenny Chesney

(I was forced to write a non-fiction essay during class that began with "If I Were President..." which explains the sudden political turn of my writing. However, as you read below, this is not what you probably expect of a political essay.)

If I were current president of this country, I'd have my big mole surgically-removed and say that I didn't copy singer Enrique Iglesia's career move, but rather that I thought blemishes, like the dirt on the image of the Philippines, should be removed off the face of the world.

If I were current president of this country, I'd have my legs broken, reconnected with metal bridges do intensive therapy for six months and say that I didn't do it to reach five feet, but rather that like the country, I sincerely know how it feels to be belittled by bigger nations.

If I were current president of this country, I'd have my head shaved and empathetically claim that this baldness shows the loss of the nation's glory, the abduction of the little that is left of our country's pride.

If I were current president of this country, I'd hire a private voice teacher, get rid of the nasal intonation of my voice, and say that this change is a representation of the need for a change in our country's voice as we speak to the rest of the world.

If I were current president of this country, I'd force my husband to go on a strict South Beach diet with me to lose some of his bulk and say to the Filipino people that the first couple also experiences daily pangs of hunger.

If I were current president of this country, I'd finance even more of my son's baduy movies where he always plays the hero, just like the numerous Erap movies that made him famous, and say to the masses that we are on with them, erecting the image of a contemporary hero that is my movie star son.

If I were current president of this country, I'd produce a novelty song out of the "Hello Garci" tapes, overexpose it by playing it in the radio and television stations over and over again, making the situation funny, absurd, sickening, unrealistic and therefore a mere passing trend.

But if you were to ask me honestly, I wouldn't want to be our country's president. Being the president is a 24-hour, 7-days-a-week job that would probably drive me crazy, especially with the rampant corruption in every level of the political hierarchy. Having all those problems on my shoulders would probably kill me before even my first day on the job ends.

On that note, if I were current president of this country, after losing face not just for myself and my family, but also for the Philippines, I'd probably disappear with my husband, move to a private island that I could buy with all my hubby's Jueteng money and spend the rest of my days sipping margheritas on the beach.