How am I supposed to feel?

How am I supposed to feel?

Hummin': You Had Me From Hello

I am the kind of person who loves friends. I mean, ask those who know me and they'll tell you I don't fight with friends. I can be petty, but I try not to be. I'm more like the peacemaker, the in-between, the jolly lady slash Doctor Love if need be.

When a person becomes my friend, a part of my being just attaches to them. In a way, that's a living though profound testimony of them being a part of my life. I do not claim to be the immaculate image of a friend. I'm not perfect, but I try to be there when friends need me the most. I try to offer my advice, even when it could hurt them. I do my best even to the point of sacrificing my own comforts.

If by now you believe me, maybe you can understand the depth of the pain coursing in my body and squeezing at my heart.

Just today, I realized I've lost two friends.

I considered *Doll to be a very good friend to the point that I've shared almost everything about me. But today, I realized that she isn't who I thought she was. I mean, when I met her, I thought, what a lucky girl I am to get to meet someone as nice as Doll. Not everyone are blessed with such good friends. Then, as we spent more and more time together, I found out that she was not as nice as I thought. But what the heck, I ain't nice either. Seriously, I just accepted her for who she is.

I do "accepting" a lot, which must be why I don't have much problems in life.

I thought, a little bit of understanding and a pinch more of patience will do. Apparently, I was wrong. At the time when pressure was really pushing, like a chameleon, she changed colors in a snap. Suddenly, I no longer had Doll. She was someone else, someone I didn't like...someone I couldn't just quickly accept.

For me, the special bond was a major loss. After all, if only you knew how much I treasured our friendship, you'd know I had been nothing but true from day one.

I'll miss you.

*Sniffles* I'm just about to cry here... Silly me, I know.

*Neil is one of my childhood buddies. I mean, we almost grew up together, at least from adolescence. We bonded everytime we saw each other. We used to update each other on all the new stuff. We used to go out to watch movies or just hang out. Sometimes with the group, occasionally, just us. (Don't get me wrong though. It's purely friendship.) I loved him like a brother.

Suddenly, before everything could register in my reality, he was a different person. No longer was Neil a part of our inner circle. It's as if one day he realized he was tired of us and ditched us for greener pastures. I wanted to ask, After all these years, how could you do this? How could you simply wake up one day and walk out of our lives? But I never had the guts. Like I said, I accept quickly. So, despite the ache, I accepted what everyone said: Neil had outgrown us.

Of course it hurt and it's hurting still.

My wounds have almost healed. Even though he took a rather large chunk of me, I moved on. I tried not to think about it and in a way, I guess, I tried to forget.

Then came today. I was already feeling bad from yesterday because of an issue with *Doll. I mean, the root of all the conflict was a damn project, but I realized, to a certain degree, I felt insulted because she did not respect me. She had not considered my feelings. She knew I was already annoyed when I just kept nodding and agreeing at everything she wanted, but she ignored me like I was just a pesky mosquito who would go away soon.

Back to Neil. For the longest time, I did not get more than a wave, a hello or a raise of the eyebrows when I met him in the hallways. Sometimes, I even felt like he didn't want to be identified with me. It stung like hell. Today, when I saw him, I found out we both had 2-hour breaks and nothing to do. I realized, it's the perfect time for catching up. Admittedly, I missed him.

To make the rather long story short, I had to go and tap him on the shoulder and ask him to accompany me. Then, we chatted a little about our sucky academic lives. When he mentioned about having difficulty in writing a Filipino paper, I offered my editing services. We went into the school computer lab and I tried editing his paper. About an hour later and halfway through, I looked behind to ask him about a particular statement in his paper, and found him chit-chatting with someone else.

Tsk.

I waited for him to stop talking and then asked him about the statement. Right then and there, he told me he would just edit the paper at home, stood up and went out with the person he was talking to.

To tell you the truth, I was offended. I mean, he knew I still had about an hour to go and no one to be with and yet, he just went right ahead and left me at the first sight of his new friends. I realized then that maybe our friendship would never be the same again. Maybe, a one-way input of effort would NEVER be enough. Maybe I was hoping for a lost cause.

And maybe he never knew, but was my BEST guy friend.

So now I'm sitting here, close to tears, sharing my life dramatizations with all of you when I should be studying for a Math long exam and a Foreign Language finals, which are both scheduled tomorrow. I'm such a sappy ass.

I realized...I'm stupid for giving a piece of myself. I'm stupid for hoping too much. I'm stupid for putting my heart in the hands of people who do not know the value of the friendship I had offered.

I'm so stupid.

To *Doll and *Neil, for all it's worth, THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart. I truly enjoyed it while it lasted.


(*Names are changed for protection...protection from other friends who might mutilate them upon reading this.)