PHILOPHOBIA

PHILOPHOBIA



Feelin': Blurred
Hummin': The Way You Look @ Me by Christian Bautista

Philophobia -- (n.) The Fear of Love

I believe that I have a severe case of Philophobia. I don't even know if it's right to analyze something that doesn't exist, but, something or rather someone, is making me think. If you're wondering what I've been blabbering about, I'm talking about my lovelife, or rather the lack of it.

One of my gutsier gal pals suggested that I am too "reserved" to the point of apathy bordering on a large slogan that says, "I'm not interested."

The next one said I am too "dense," and hardly feels anything despite obvious signs of a prospect.

Another one had suggested I am too "laidback," doing and showing nothing, thus ending up with nothing.

I guess they each have a point. I know I am not a risk-taker. I'd rather play it safe rather than take on the dare and fall flat on my face. I wouldn't reciprocate signs unless I'm almost 100% sure I was reading the "feelers" correctly. Usually, before I could reach that point of certainty, the senders of the "feelers" have grown tired.

So sue me. I'm scared.

I mean, after analyzing past experiences, I discovered a trend, a pattern of responses from me and all of them

I've had a couple of instances wherein I liked a guy but he didn't like me back. A month or two later, he begins to like me, but then, I begin to UNlike him. I mean, I'd want to ask myself, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

But then, myself wouldn't know the answer either.

It's weird that way.

After careful analysis, I have come up with a theory, a plausible reason to this oddness. And that is, PHILOPHOBIA. Maybe it's not just the fear of love, but rather the fear of showing vulnerability and getting hurt. See, when the possibility of something more than just the crush level is presented, I wimp out. I fold and crumple into myself and yes, I hate to admit it, but I run away like a spineless coward.

I know, it's downright MEAN to do that, even though unintentionally. But whenever I'm caught in this situation, I'm filled with irrational panic that I would hide and avoid any contact until y'know, he loses interest or something, rather than face an uncertain future.

So what do I do?

With help from my council of elders (hehehe), I'm trying to make changes. I'm learning to take on a brave front and discover what lies yonder. As the chief adviser had coached me, take baby steps...one at a time and soon enough, she promised I would be walking with confidence.

Well, I hope so...I truly hope so.

I'm just hoping that by that time I finally get things straight, I'd still have someone to walk to...



PS: One of the Council of Elders also commented that instead of following instincts, I was thinking too much... Am I?