Hummin': Sukob Na by 17:28
One look at you and my smile fades away.
Your presence that used to elicit fluttering butterflies now summons hordes of elephants inside my stomach. The smile that used to turn my knees to jelly and transform me into a funny bungling idiot now reduces me to a pathetic coward, eating at my confidence, feeding on my insecurities. The voice that used to soothe my thoughts now distracts, piercing in and out of my mind like an unrelentless broken player.
It's no longer fun.
I have prayed, consulting the Highest Being for guidance and an ounce of wisdom. He has not failed me.
Somehow, pouring out my doubts to Him has always lifted the burdens that I carry. It was no surprise that when I woke up today, I felt refreshed, and things were a lot clearer. My rationale is a bit more condensed and my faith, a whole lot stronger.
I sit here now, almost too ashamed to write this down and reveal what I've long been denying. I have withheld , lied, and understated about my 'shallow' feelings and yet deep inside, I knew that they were rooted underground, digging deeper as time passed, farther than I had led everyone else to believe.
Yet, when I think of how it started, grew and developed, both my hands come up with nothing. For not even my perpetually-analyzing-dangerously-paranoid-side had managed to keep it at bay, like I always do when I began to fall "in like." Somehow, it had found my loophole and lodged itself, unnoticed, where I could not detect it until it became too strong to be easily removed.
My acute instincts have failed me.
But no more will you standing high and mighty on the pedestal I've built for you. I refuse to be enslaved by cultivated emotions just for the sake of having "someone." I just don't want to remain hanging on hopes and what-ifs that will never be realized. My efforts would only be futile.
I know now that owning up to feelings that I swore I didn't have would be the first step on the progressive chart of moving on.
Ironically though, admitting you're GUILTY would make actually make you GUILT-FREE. (And it feels so damn good.)
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