When will I learn?

When will I learn?


Hummin': Oklahoma by Billy Gilman

When will I learn not to trust everyone?

When will I learn to put my foot down?

When will I learn to take the initiative?

When?

I was watching Spiderman 2 last Sunday night when he called me up to tell me I needed to find another actor for the next day's performance. I rushed out of the cinema only to hear him say that he hasn't memorized the monologue yet. After the phone call, I texted him to say "Cge, thanks anyway." He replied, "HAHA so tuloy pa b?" I texted back, "EWAN KO...r u up for it? Kung hindi, wag na lang...Mabubuhay naman ako eh. Babawi nalang ako sa ibang tests. Baka nasira na bday mo. Sorry for the hassle... (BLAH BLAH)"

Spiderman 2 was perhaps one of the most miserable movies I've watched. I didn't enjoy the rest of the movie. I couldn't cry at the emotional scenes for I felt that if I cried, I was crying over my actor. And no, my pride just wouldn't let me cry. So I held it all in even though I felt like being squished by a giant hand.

Monday night came and I came face to face with my director/teacher, Yanny. And that was the only time I almost panicked. Tears were brimming in my eyes when he asked me where my actor was and I told him, he wasn't coming. He said, "Are you shittin' me?" And I wanted to cry right then and there despite the sheepish smile that masked my face. But I pulled it off, thanks to Jean Pierre. (I owe you.)

Today, I felt half-relieved and half-depressed over the events that happened yesterday. Everyone said I shouldn't take this all sitting down. But I did.

Everyone could hardly believe that the actor I had personally picked and praised to do my monologue backed-out at the last minute. I guess I couldn't complain... After all, the day before the performance was his birthday and he said that he wouldn't touch the script. I guess you can say he fulfilled what he said...at least, for that one.

My friends said, "Hindi ka dapat nagpaganoon." They said he was an asshole. They said bastos siya. They asked for his name and said they'd give him a piece of their minds.

But, I told them, NO. I'd rather just end it like this. I guess, I felt numb. Like I really wasn't that angry, yet I wasn't happy either.

And I went through the day with mangled thoughts. Thoughts that didn't make much sense. I couldn't even understand all the stuff I was reading for Philosophy, because I just couldn't concentrate.

Then, Hanniel asked me the big question, "ARE YOU OKAY? YOU LOOK DEPRESSED."

I said, "No, I've never been depressed." And he stressed that he's never seen me looking like this. I didn't even realize that I was falling way short of my smile quota. Imagine, I can't even make up what emotion was running inside of me. Everything was just jumbled and confused. Chaotic, even.

How many times has he ruined my day?

Hmm... since highschool? MANY.

Have I been bullied?

I guess.

Am I crying?

*sniff...*

NOooo.